This time, I want to share with you an article that I receive by email and despite being a mixture of fun, says some truths about project management. Here we go:
01 – You can not produce a baby in one month using nine women.
02 – The same work under the same conditions will be estimated differently by different analysts or 10 by the same analyst on 10 different occasions.
03 – The word most useful and least used in project management is “NO”.
04 – You can convince a fool to assume an unrealistic deadline, but you can not force him to fulfill it.
05 – The term most ridiculous is the most expensive and difficult to fulfill.
06 – The more desperate the situation, the more optimistic she is.
07 – Few people in one project can solve the problems – but far more people create problems beyond the capacity of the first resolve.
08 – You can freeze the system requirements, but can not freeze expectations.
09 – Freezing of requirements and the yeti are similar – both are myths and they melt when heat is applied appropriate to them.
10 – The conditions under which a promise made and are forgotten, however, the promise will always be remembered.
11 – What you do not know will hurt you.
12 – A user will speak only what he asked for – nothing more.
13 – Faced with several interpretations of a statement, the least convenient is the most accurate.
14 – What is not written, does not exist or was not said.
15 – Parkinson and Murphy are alive and well – in your project.
16 – Who does not know where it goes, never comes.
17 – For those who are lost, anywhere will do.
18 – For those who are lost, a map does not.
19 – Ninety percent of the work on a project, equivalent to 90% of schedule, the other ten percent, consume the remaining 90% of the work.
20 – Deadline systems and loyalty are difficult to fulfill promises.
21 – The only situation where you have everything under control is when you’re dead.
22 – The resignation of a member of the team, almost always is to preserve the jobs of the rest.
23 – Once I started to study more, work harder and plan better, my luck changed.
24 – For projects, do not confuse the slack periods, with periods of slackers.
25 – bad things usually are linked to the word “user” – a drug user, user bus, alcohol user, user systems. . .
26 – In the event of a total crisis in the progress of your project – rather than the presence of mind is the absence of body.
27 – The logistics of a project always requires what you forgot.
28 – Meeting unlined seen happy hour.
29 – no meeting minutes, did not exist.
30 – For the user – which is where you forgot the most important.
31 – projects – when a dog bites you, it is not good policy to run and bite the dog’s leg (but you can subtly put poison in his food).
32 – The credit for a successful project is like running a horse farm – The horse is an animal as strong as a horse, and when she comes in heat, becomes violent and treat her suitor to kick and bite during foreplay sex. As the thoroughbred horse is a very valuable animal, the horse farm, not to hurt him, keeps a herd of horses low category (Pang), called hooligans during foreplay and sex, is always placed one or more of these pangas to exhaust and that the female animal (usually smaller than the mare) suffers the devil in the paws and teeth of the female in heat, in addition, these pangas have surgery on his penis so as to leave it askew to avoid accidentally get success . When the horse is exhausted and receptive to the male, the nag drooling is removed and is replaced by a thoroughbred for the final part of the process (of course the best part). In system designs where there is a roster of all pangas suffering setbacks in the project, ie all kicks and bites, and the opening hours are replaced, ie, will be called the thoroughbreds on duty to receive the best part (promotion, awards, congratulations, praise, etc.)..
33 – When all is lost – pretend to be dead. [At least for now, people still respect the dead (one day)].
34 – Team very large projects in China is like making the tunnel, they put a million Chinese on one side of the mountain and another million the other side. If all goes well they make a tunnel if it goes wrong they do 2 tunnels.
35 – The team is very big as a dinosaur, you take a steak from the tip of the tail, until the pain reaches the brain takes two years.
36 – Group work – when you’re in is a team or workgroup, when you’re out is the pot.
37 – Every boss tends to be incompetent. (Peter, LJ)
38- If everything seems doing well, it’s because you did not look right.
39 – The company only pays you to work when you’re nervous it’s free.
40 – Every member of your staff is incompetent zealously off in times of entry, lunch and departure. However, its presence does not add content, therefore, hinders the timeliness of project deadlines.
41 – A total intelligence of the universe is constant, however, still more people being born.
42 – The proportion of illiterates from yesterday to today, remains the same, but the illiterate today, read and write. (Moravia, A.)
43- Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: otherwise it burst, the wine, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved. (Bible, Matthew 17). Systematic reading, do not waste codes old and new systems or reassemble old systems to make them new.
44 – When your boss says he will put somebody to help you, you’ve probably been fired, it’s just a matter of time.
45 – When your boss asks you to put on paper his brilliant idea, it is because he will never see it.
46 – Meeting with more than two hours, becomes Big Brother.
47 – There is no conflict when the hierarchy is different.
48 – When an employee seeks to tell him about an idea and you ask him to put his idea on paper, this approach is the best way to block creativity.
49 – Just who is wrong innovating.
50 – Hell is not so bad when you are a friend of the devil.
51 – Whatever your project, it will not walk if the leadership is not a scholar’s hands, especially if it is doctor.
52 – The best way to quit is a project does not designate a team to decide on implementation.
53- Decisions are democratic processes (taken as a group) do is a dictatorial process (should one do). Adizes.
54 – Respect for team members in addition to humans, protects teeth.
55 – Respect generally protects teeth.
56 – State rogue team is like a snake, not only bite you if you’re dead.
57 – “Bandit” team work is not a human being is an opportunistic disease.
58 – The bad a team of employees tend to be worse every day, for all nights of their lives they are forced to sleep with an incompetent.
60 – Superior incompetent employee who had sex with in exchange for giving favors professionals, reached the lowest level of inferiority that human beings can get.
61 – See a thinking human being to another, is a spectacle that would kill me if I’m not laughing cause penalty. Pitigrilli.
62 – Stole fur is an animal that changed its owner. Pitigrilli.
63 – Nobody frog swallows the nutritional value of the animal. Veríssimo.
64 – Taken from one source is copying, plagiarism is taken from two, but three is taken from research.
65 – No matter the quality of their work, the panel comprised of academics do not know how.
66 – To screw the design competition, a physician to help them.
67 – Recognition of head and kick the pig are similar, both are rare and when they are short.
68 – When the manager finds the team happy, he is unhappy, wondering where we went wrong, not understanding why people are happy and laughing.
69 – Tell me what you Gabas and tell you what faults. Freud.
70- On systems should be abolished the term implied.
71 – Human relations defy the laws of physics: when effective, the sum of the parts is greater than the whole, and when false, the sum of the whole is less than the parts.
72 – The devil has two names: wife and manager.
73 – For projects to calculate the parabola formed by a stone thrown 30 meters, there are analysts who interview the stone.